please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
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