there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
