My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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