i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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