So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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