Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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