Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
