My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
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If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
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I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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