Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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