I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
PANTIES FOUND
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
