I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
