half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Randomize
