Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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