i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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