My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
