I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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