Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
