Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
