omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
