I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
