this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
