our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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