Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
