Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
