she was so not down for the gang bang
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
