we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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