When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
