i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
