i already hear my dad disowning me
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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