this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
