shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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