Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
