dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
