if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
