There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize