After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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