I accidentally burped into my bong.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
