maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Randomize
