i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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