Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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