i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
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