are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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