Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
