i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Randomize
