My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
