Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
