I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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