onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
