I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
