I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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