my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
