I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Randomize
