there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Randomize
