Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Randomize
